I can’t wait to be able to say I was baptized instead of drowning. I’m still learning how to swim in me, I’m still trying to figure out how not to drown others. I am still learning to be gentle with her.
Sometimes I look at her and feel absolutely nothing, I feel the heaviness of spending the rest of my life with this woman who just becomes too heavy for me sometimes. She swells when she is hurt, swells when she is in love, swells when pleasure comes- if it ever comes at all.
Why should I stay with her when the rest of her lovers often disappear, they often get lost in her abundance and accuse her of kidnapping. She has been in relationships where love came with receipts and that’s why I she indebted to herself.
Relationships are so difficult. And on some days loving myself feels like an arranged marriage that was decided for me at birth and the person I’m meant to spend my life with makes me want to run away-I think about running away from myself a lot. On most days i wake up drenched in love. Not drowned. Dripping.
I remember the first time I saw her. I mean I have looked before at her but I had never really seen her. I knew deeply in my heart that I was looking at my true love. I loved her in a way that’s so rooted the ground breaks. I loved her despite her shortcomings and flaws. I loved her scars and traumas I loved her in a way that never stuttered.
And saw it too. She looked back at me in a way that moved me deeply. Her eyes read, “Come home love, it’s safe here. It’s safe in this love. This love is a safe space for you.” I looked at her and said “I have arrived, Beloved.”
I’ll never forget that day. The day I looked at myself and knew that I had met my true love.
This poem shows how compex the relationship that you have with yourself can be. It comes from Ijeoma Umebinyuo’s Questions for Ada and is an anthology of poetry that deals with self love and healing and how you do not need to compromise your self love in order to be loved. You belong deeply to yourself.
This is 25 poems by Rupi Kaur, author of Milk and Honey. She is a feminist and throughout the journey she takes us in her book, she shows how she survived through poetry and that learning to love yourself is a crucial part of healing.