Thoughts

-kindness without feeling like I am burden.
-A backbone to teach people how to treat me because I am tired.
-what is the line between being patient and compromising? What am i doing to myself?
-vent without being considerate and I should give my emotions and feelings the validation they deserve. 
-No your words are harsh. Suppress.
-Do you think my neighbour can hear that I’m having panic attacks?
-I don’t know how to let people be there for me without feeling heavy. You are so weighted, you don’t need to carry this alone.
-The line between being a soft place and people getting too comfortable.
-Why won’t you learn my language? I’ve been trying to ask you for help the entire day.
-I won’t be swallowed by my own emotions.
-Row your boat. Row your boat. Row your boat.
-How much longer are you going to deal with issues that concern other people by yourself?
-Some people’s offers of help are just decorations. You deserve yourself.
-when will you stop using self-love as a coping mechanism?
-love asked for a year from its previous lover, what is love doing with you?
-You feel so undeserving of this love, and sometimes you deserve better

The solutions.
-Nothing you do is because of anyone, it’s because of yourself.
-I underestimate PMS.
-I am allowed to overflow.
-I am allowed to ask for more.
-my vastness is not a burden.
-it is a gift if people who cannot love me leave me.
-Don’t make assumptions.
-Have the courage to ask questions.
-Trust that they’ll have the courage to tell the truth.
-Be gentle with yourself.
-Self-love is lonely work.
-hold your hand. Do the work that needs to be done.
-I am both the ocean and the shore-always returning to myself.
-I am both the sun and the sunflower-Always finding myself.
-Love is not heavy. I am not heavy.
-I am deserving.
-I am resilient.
-I am allowed to make mistakes.
-I forgive myself. Forgiveness is between me and god.
-I am courageous.
-I will stop doing myself a disservice by comparing myself.
-I am healing. That takes time.
-unlearning takes time. Untangling my roots take time.

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Dear

I want to be with someone who challenges my negative thoughts.
I want to be someone who challenges my negative thoughts.

I want to be with someone who dresses me with positive affirmations.
I want to be someone who dresses myself in positive affirmations.

All you ever knew was trauma that is why you’re so easily impressed by people. I’d rather not.
The only reason you’re so lonely is because you spend time with people who empty you in the name of love.

You’re that idea that excites people but no-one knows where to start when it comes to embodying it. Disappointing.

You’re the builder of the bridge between people and their self love.
Burn it, people keep walking all over you.

You are a soft place. People are getting too comfortable.

The things you want from this life are not unreasonable. I can’t think of anyone more deserving than you.

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(un)Relatable

(An extract of unrelatable things, because I write for myself)
-For someone alive I think about death a lot. I’d rather not.
-Somedays depression and anxiety come knocking, but today is not of those days. (Every day’s Mantra)
-I think your coffin was lowered in my throat, I speak about you so often.
-I’ll name you and still carry the shame.
-I’d name you and still carry the shame.
-I named you and still carried the shame.
-They’ll shame me even though they know your name.
-Where is my eulogy, where are my obituaries? How many times must I die in front of you for you to honour me with your words?
– How many times should I play cemetery for all the women who have left you? My love is not a graveyard.
-Your grandmother hates rape, only because she thinks it made you lesbian.
-Ironic, they’ll rape you because you’re lesbian.
-Even if you scrubbed the colour of my skin off, you still can’t erase my struggle.
– They are no writers that look like me. (That’s why)
– I’ve drawn bricks on myself and still couldn’t call myself home.
– Your childhood was random men touching you inappropriately, telling you it’s just a game.
– my grandmother made so many sacrifices to give us a better life and it still wasn’t better than yours(The gap)

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The Rehearsal

Here are a few unsolicited lessons from my everyday rehearsal with myself.
1. Rehearse, even when you don’t want to. You probably need to anyway.
2. Show up to rehearsals, especially for yourself.
3. Leave whatever you’re going through at the door before you step into rehearsals. Each rehearsal will ask you to be a new person, sometimes better, sometimes worse.
4. Be kind to the people you’re rehearsing with. They will become the arms that hold you and carry you through.
5. Good rehearsals end with you telling yourself the truth.
6. You don’t have to rehearse your “I’m fine” it takes courage to love yourself and admit you’re not okay.
7. Practice hope. It will anchor you.
8. Practice patience, it will give you a sense of understanding.
9. There are just some things you cannot rehearse for in life. Some lines you can’t prepare for.
10. You cannot rehearsal for love. It comes whenever and however.
11. Rehearse with love always.
12. You will walk out of rehearsals both heavy and light. Much like the sun.
13. Don’t hold grudges on yourself, you’re not the same person you were yesterday.
14. Make mistakes and be great at them.
15. Rehearsals are for learning.
16. Have faith. It’s not going to be easy.
17. You will not fit every role.
18. People will be hard on you, remain a soft place for yourself.
19. You can adapt without being forced to change.
20. Do not compromise love, especially your time. Do not dwell and overplay your roles love. You are worthy of so much more. …

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Genital Mutilation: Why does it happen to women?

Female genital mutilation is the removal of any part or whole external parts of the female sexual organ for reasons outside of medicine. This is a mostly traditional procedure conducted by highly esteemed traditional circumcisers in the community. There is a false conception that the procedure is safer when carried out by health care providers, however, the World Health Organisation is strongly against the concept of female genital mutilation, whether conducted ‘safely’ or not.

There is almost a universal stance against female genital mutilation in the international community as it is viewed as intrinsically a human right violation. The procedure is entrenched and continues to perpetuate the inequality that exists between females and males. The procedure is often conducted on children that are not old enough to be giving consent legally, therefore, female genital mutilation does not only infringe on women’s right but on children’s rights as well. According to The World Health Organisation (2016) female genital mutilation violates rights such as “rights to health, security and physical integrity, the right to be free from torture and cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment, and the right to life when the procedure results in death”.

Female genital mutilation is most prevalent in African regions such as the west, the east, the north east, furthermore, other regions that are affected include the Middle East and Asia. It is important to note that the immigrants from these regions carry out female genital mutilation wherever they may be, thus making female genital mutilation a global issue. This issue affects mostly young girls that may even be as young as infants, sometimes women that are adults are affected as well. On average an estimate of 3 million females are at danger of female genital mutilation.

Female genital mutilation is influenced by cultural and social factors such as it being a necessary part of the upbringing of a girl in preparation for marriage. The mutilation is said to be by which marriage fidelity can be preserved because it reduces the women’s libido and she will display appropriate sexual behaviour. It is also believed that after the mutilation girls will be regarded as clean and feminine, therefore increasing marriageability.

Since 1997 there have been international responses to stop female genital mutilation, some of them being laws to ban female genital mutilation. In 2016, The World Health Organization in partnership with United Nations Children’s Fund and United Nations Population Fund launched a video based on research and evidence on how to manage the complications caused by female genital mutilation and even developed tools for healthcare workers to improve their knowledge and skills when it comes to genital mutilation.

This increases support in ending female genital because the health care sector is being strengthened in their abilities to provide medical and psychological treatment for girls surviving female genital mutilation.

By Lethica Nair

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Sex apparently has a sexual preference.

Sex apparently has a sexual preference and it definitely isn’t women of colour, or maybe it is but we would never know since the media is always portraying women of colour  not enjoying sex and if they are, they’re being “immoral” about it. In most cultures a woman’s sexuality and sex life is linked to her purity.

Women of colour are always portrayed not enjoying, resorting to prostitution for money, being victims of rape and sexual abuse or just being a spiritual, powerful woman with no interest for sex. It’s almost like sex is a distraction for women of colour who want to be successful. To state the obvious: The media just want to show our pain and epitomize our strength  but they will never really understand that our liberty is multifaceted and it’s more than just overcoming white supremacy and colonialism, its also overcoming our culture and the misogyny and patriarchy that we women and girls of colour face and sex is just one of the many sides. Here are some examples of the way media portrays women of colour enjoying sex.

In this movie, this women is not sexually satisfied her husband and so she finds alternative methods for her satisfaction, at first using masturbation and later on cheating on her husband and having sex with other men. The movies reasons her sexual drive as an addiction to sex because of the sexual assault that she experienced in her childhood.

The next movie causes even more controversy because it speaks to feminism in an Indian and Islamic context and the roles that guide the sexual pleasure of females. This movie caused a lot of controversy and there were many different opinions centered around it.  People did not think this movie could be called a “feminist film” because of it’s sexual content and the unhappy ending of the movie. I beg to differ, I find it exhausting how people are always separating women from sex, and no-one ever speaking about the sexual pleasure of women of colour. I think the unhappy ending is realistic in an Indian context.

Here a few reactions to the movie:

Indian sexuality is not discussed yet one of the most famous sanskrits written is the Kama Sutra that acknowledges sexual desire, because of western perception people do not understand that the text speaks to more than just creative sex positions but also about love and the root of desire; what sustains it and whether it is good or bad.

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There is one movie that stood out when speaking about women of colour and their ownership of their sexual desires and is the korean movie: The Handmaiden. It stood out because of its unpredictable nature and depicted the struggles of korean women during those times in a true manner.

To be absolutely honest it is no surprise that the sexuality of white women is more accepted, unsurprising and are shown in ways that truly depict desire because women can also just have sex for the desire of it. When the media shows the sexuality of women of colour it is shown in a much more exotic manner. We are exotic fruits hanging on the tree, that is the only way the media can describe the sexual nature of women of colour unless you speak about our fatherless children, our prostitutes, our rape cases and of course how strong we are because we don’t have sex.

Love comes in the morning

You heal through admitting what has hurt you and being vulnerable through that honesty.
-Some mornings I wake up to the memories gripping my eyelids open to find that you’re not here- I don’t know why bad days drag me back to you. Some days I try to fill myself with your love and I end up walking around like a silhouette of who I am. Some days I remember your hands and how for the longest time I believed hands were for feeling and not holding- I am too abundant for lust.
To think I’m still trying to pull you out of me, and they are days I’m too loyal to let go I end up spoon feeding myself with your love- those are the days I go to bed starving. I’ll admit sometimes I think you shoved your emptiness in me and that’s how you healed. I got on all fours for you and I called that stability. Somedays like last week Monday I wake up under all the words I’ve ever written to you- i wake up drowning in the love I tried to prove to you- my love is not my graveyard. I won’t kill myself to love someone. This Monday I woke up remembering I can call the words by name, and that I’m my own savior and that when love is heavy it is supposed to be an anchor not a burden. And that drowning is not romantic…
-Returning myself to myself .

Loving yourself through Adversities/ The Dock

The Dock.

Thursdays are always tough days. I was just leaving the dock and I felt all the oceans within me swell. It’s a confusing feeling you know, when your eyes are teary and you have to cross a road and the sun is blazing and people are walking by so you tense up and walk as swiftly as possible praying that no-one stops you to ask if you’re okay, or to hug you or make a joke that you’d have to drag a laugh over everything that’s not funny. Sometimes it gives me anxiety that in the middle of me laughing I might just cry- I’d rather not. When I am like this I don’t like being around people, it’s hard being on the edge fighting to pull yourself back up and when people approach with sharp optimistic edges they might push you over. Sometimes sadness can be so violent- sometimes being sad makes me violent. I’d rather not.
The more I thought about it, the more difficult it became to hold everything back. I put my tongue in between my teeth, like a wall. Trying to push back that lump, the swelling, everything. Someone greeted me but I could not speak cause my tongue was being a wall for my emotions. Sadness can be so silencing sometimes, so isolating, and so self inflicting. Any way I got to my room and drank some water- It’s fascinating, how dehydrating it is to be sad- how demanding sadness is and wants to be watered or maybe that’s my body- asking me to replenish it with something other than the saltiness forming in my throat.

I started undoing the bricks around my tongue so I can try again to learn the language of a good day.

When you meet your Beloved.

I can’t wait to be able to say I was baptized instead of drowning. I’m still learning how to swim in me, I’m still trying to figure out how not to drown others. I am still learning to be gentle with her.

Sometimes I look at her and feel absolutely nothing, I feel the heaviness of spending the rest of my life with this woman who just becomes too heavy for me sometimes. She swells when she is hurt, swells when she is in love, swells when pleasure comes- if it ever comes at all.

Why should I stay with her when the rest of her lovers often disappear, they often get lost in her abundance and accuse her of kidnapping. She has been in relationships where love came with receipts and that’s why I she indebted to herself.

Relationships are so difficult. And on some days loving myself feels like an arranged marriage that was decided for me at birth and the person I’m meant to spend my life with makes me want to run away-I think about running away from myself a lot. On most days i wake up drenched in love. Not drowned. Dripping.

I remember the first time I saw her. I mean I have looked before at her but I had never really seen her. I knew deeply in my heart that I was looking at my true love. I loved her in a way that’s so rooted the ground breaks. I loved her despite her shortcomings and flaws. I loved her scars and traumas I loved her in a way that never stuttered.

And saw it too. She looked back at me in a way that moved me deeply. Her eyes read, “Come home love, it’s safe here. It’s safe in this love. This love is a safe space for you.” I looked at her and said “I have arrived, Beloved.”

I’ll never forget that day. The day I looked at myself and knew that I had met my true love.

https://rederrty97.wordpress.com/2016/03/16/questions-for-ada/

This poem shows how compex the relationship that you have with yourself can be. It comes from Ijeoma Umebinyuo’s Questions for Ada and is an anthology of poetry that deals with self love and healing and how you do not need to compromise your self love in order to be loved. You belong deeply to yourself.

http://www.yourtango.com/2016295418/25-empowering-rupi-kaur-quotes-every-strong-woman-feminist

This is 25 poems by Rupi Kaur, author of Milk and Honey. She is a feminist and throughout the journey she takes us in her book, she shows how she survived through poetry and that learning to love yourself is a crucial part of healing.

7 Friendly Reminders.

1. You do not deserve a love that keeps you up at night wondering if you’re enough.
2. You are an ocean, you made it clear from the beginning. People will drown trying to reduce you to a stream. That’s not your problem.
3. You’re a lot. Why do you talk about yourself like you’re too much? Your hands hold you so well. Watch your language.
4. That heart. You can guard something without closing it off.
5. Independence is not loneliness. Not always.
6. Be honest. To yourself, you don’t deserve lies for comfort.
7. Waves return and so will the love you’ve been giving. You deserve it too.

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